It may be miles high in the sky, but The Relatively
Convenient Store provides the greatest value available for all your favorite
luxury goods and family needs. No longer must you spend days hunting and months
harvesting your own food. From raw materials to packaged final products, our
certified production process is implemented with the utmost pride and
tradition. No plucking, skinning, gutting, trapping, picking, fetching,
growing, harvesting, processing, raising, farming, curing, pasteurizing, or any
other skills are required any longer! The only step for which the customer is
responsible is the transport to and from any of our relatively convenient store
locations.
Indeed, the number of steps leading up to our front doors
exceeds two thousand, but the climb to luxury has never been so simple! Discover which of our relatively convenient
but consistently epic staircases is closest to you, and follow the steps all
the way to the top, just beyond the highest cloud. A hanging ladder at the left
will take you directly on our plane and to our level of elevation and lead you
straight to the store’s front entrance.
Approaching the doors, customers walk down a long hallway
lined with framed pictures on either side of the wall. Clearly they are all
depictions of the past, illustrating a time before industrialization and
technological determinism. Among them are scenes of workers on farms and in fields.
Women fetching water from wells shown next to others as they take the dirt road
home, buckets hooked on yokes. Native Americans hunt for game which they make
use of every bit possible. All these pictures are showing different ways people
have had to work to get their food and other resources. The collection of
seemingly obsolete lifestyles is aimed towards making a statement about technological
determinism and dependence. Are we helpless without technology? How do hard
work and physical labor compete with academic achievement as virtues? How
convenient will our lives become before luxury becomes a myth? How inconvenient
will everything become after having had luxury?
Our associates will be relatively helpful and the most
luxurious items will be on the highest shelves available. For a small
convenience fee, customers can access any of our stepping stools, all of which
are conveniently broken in places that don’t matter. For your convenience,
Wi-Fi internet is enabled throughout all the stores, but all the power outlets
are either found on the ceiling, or inconveniently, only two-prong connections.
We have a customer rewards program in which you can build points and earn
prizes, but members will be subjected to doing customer satisfaction surveys by
phone, which inconveniently occur only during dinnertime. We accept cash only,
but our ATM machine has no fees and works with any bankcard, although it has
been out of order for years.
““Sir, I am so sorry about the inconvenience! Believe me,
we are absolutely doing everything we can to repair the connection. I
understand you came expecting FIRST CLASS service and accommodations, so let me
go grab you a couple of those feather pillows normally reserved for the,
uh, terminally ill flyers!!”
“I CAN’T believe I can’t check my e-mail until this
AIRPLANE lands in 6 hours –… these a*holes advertise having wireless and I was
expecting to use to my new tablet to take care of some business and of course
it is messed up because some IDIOT didn’t do his job right ? How
inconvenient.””
